PARADISE LOST AGAIN

The Unauthorized Limerick Edition of the Bible

 

Genesis

Corrupted by D. M. V.

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At the start, there was God, one in all,
Quite alone as the universal.

With forethought unfurled

He whipped up the world

Out of nothing in no time at all.

The earth was without form and void.
As dark as could be far and woid.
So God sighed, "Ahem!
Time to think of a gem,
Lest the face of the deep be annoyed."

His spirit began to hover o'er
The waters so dark heretofore.
God said, "Now alright,
Let's go with the light
And distinguish the day from the morrow."

The light he, of course, labeled day
And the darkness was night right away.
It was all very good
To be as it should,
But it wasn't yet all he would say.
(There were many more acts for this play.)

It was clear that he needed a firmament,
Something majestic but permanent,
A place to call home
For both now and to come;
So heaven was what heaven sent.

By now the third day had appeared.
But God in his plan still averred.
He gathered the land
As a dry place to stand,
And a most down-to-earth thing occurred.

The land needed herbs, seeds and trees.
Later he'd see to the seas.
So up sprang the grass
Just like that, all en masse.
`Til some flowers complained, "Where's the bees?"

"Where's the bees?" fumed the Lord, "Pure damnation!
Why the nerve of this upstart creation!
I'll create what I choose
But I cannot refuse
You'll get yours, but just a bees' ration."

Meanwhile the fourth day was breaking
And time was a wasting for making
The sun, moon and stars ...
Both the nears and the fars.
All of space was just there for the taking.

The sun was appointed to rule
The day, but was told not to fool
With the darkness of night,
But to always take flight
And let the moon do what it'll do'll.

At this point the work was half done,
But the crowning achievement undone.
The stage was sure set
For life to beget...
All God's creatures, both rare and well-done.

On day number five came the fowl
Flying floridly fast on the prowl
For other low critters,
Both the sweets and the bitters,
But on seeing none, they all yelled "Foul!"

The worst of the lot was the crow,
Who said, "Now that you've made us, so?
What can we eat?
Have you got any meat?
It's such a hard row to hoe."

"Be fruitful, O Sea, hear my cry.
I command you all now, "Multiply!
Fishes and eels,
Make your swishes and squeals.
Domestic stock, diversify."

So the birds used their beaks to good end,

Gripping slow gippers by either end.

They did their thriving

With deep sea diving,

And without any nets to mend.

The sixth day was back to the ground
For mammals and all the earth-bound.
"Don't you fly in the air,
And bust your derrier.
Don't swim in the sea, you'll be drowned."

Now we moderns know it was reptiles

That came out of the water and crept while

The fish in the sea

Stayed as dumb as could be

Ignoring the mutating styles.

 

But somehow God got in a bind
By claiming all beasts have their kind.
Much more was involved
As these creatures evolved;
There's a lot more that science can find.

Today biologists tell us
About fossils, old bones and the shellus.
The Genesis story
Is pure allegory.
It's not quite what really befell us.

Mr. Darwin and many bright thinkers
Said creation by fiat is stinkers.
Natural selection
Is more the direction.
Forget all that missing of linkers.

The reason we're here is pure chance.
As species began to enhance
On their broad evolution,
There came a solution:
Mutations. See, lice become ants.

Our origin came from an ooze,
Then the pairing of beasts, two by twos.
All those millions of years
With no wines and no beers,
They had sex without saying "I do's."

It's okay, though, they hardly knew better,

No humans around to be fretters

Of moral decline

Out of the slime

Success then was just for go-getters.

God spoke to the Hebrews of old
In tales so dear they're retold.
He waxed all prosaic
In language archaic
Just to keep all the sheep in the fold.

But now we must work from translations,
Since the Bible is known to all nations.
Don't ask me how,
But we know better now
Than the priests of those past generations.

The Bible Belt Bellowers would tell us
That the Devil has managed to sell us
A load of manure
For what they hold dear
And we're all bound to burn up in hell, us!

But most of us think ecumenical
And seldom should shout an amen at all,
It's really demeaning
To say there's one meaning,
That it literally must be fundamentical.

Before God had finished creating,
His loneliness on him was grating.
It was all very nice
To toss cosmic dice.
But it wasn't at all satiating.

What good was a good entourage
With no one around in his image.
So he picked up some dust,
Said, "Here goes or bust!"
With a word the first man came of age.

Man was told, "Go and till it!
Be kind to the creatures I billet.
Name every animal
Something unusual
And take note, what I want, I just will it.

The man was soon christened as Adam
And God just loved getting at `em.
But one conversation,
To God's consternation,
Turned on the subject of woman.

The man was as lonely and sad
As God was before when he had
No friend in the orb
His love to absorb.
Yes, this lack of a lass was so sad.

"Look, Man," said Jehovah.
"You know that I love yah.
Just give me one rib
and don't tell a fib
And soon what you see will just move yah."

Thus God went and did Adam's bidding
Without further ribbing or kidding.
Two legs and some breasts
No need to be dressed
Whether standing or lying or sitting
(And preferably not when she's shitting.)

She was lovely and all in the nude
Not at all crass, uncouth or plain lewd,
A sight to behold,
A behind to hold,
Hey, this was some paradise, dude.

She needed a name, though, like Eve
Which is surely much better than Steve
It could have been Sally
Or Shirley or Dolly
No matter, there was nought up her sleeve.

Eve's breasts heaved in such new elation
To see her man's member's sensation.
"This thing, why it rises,
Can even change sizes;
O Adam, dear, congratulation!
This must be your first ejaculation.

Now Adam knew Eve who knew Adam,
Who knew she was able to have `em.
After son Cain
She did it again,
To Adam said, "Now call me Madam."

to be continued (unfortunately for the human race...)